Saturday, 6 October 2007

Can a Woman have it all....?

I woke up this morning angry,( I went to bed angry by the way). My anger was fuelled by the fact that the singular most important man in my life( there are many important men in my life) could just not read the handwriting on the wall.The details of which are irrelevant to this post. I make it a point to strike when the iron is hot cos by nature once that moment is lost and I'm no longer fuming it is gone. I can not hold malice or bear a grudge; ask me a week or a couple of hours after the occurrence and i might not be able to tell what it was that set me off even when I'm hurting badly ( but I'm becoming a a fast learner which is bad).
I said my piece in anger and stormed out of the room to carry on with other chores.

As I rode to work all I could think of how 'marginalised' i felt and at what point will enough be enough especially when the other person doesn't seem to take you seriously. I thought of all the married women I knew my mother inclusive and all the 'issues' they all seem to have. I also reflected on the ones in public life, the Okonjo Iweala, Dora Nafadac, Oby etc etc etc and wondered what 'breed' their men were. What issues do they have to grapple with? Are they really happy or is it all a facade? Do they really have it all? By that I mean, successful marriage, careers and good children? Cos for me success in one and not the other isn't it. You have to have it all. i dont agree with that saying that as a woman you have to make a choice career or marriage. That all bullsht. I also don't agree a woman who can be working and making a difference or be an employer of labour should just stay home and take care of the children even though I agree its a lot of hard work.I asked myself, Can a woman have it all? Can Nonesuch have it all?

I got to the office and met a few of my colleagues ( all women ) having a chat. We were all married and I don't need to tell you what the hot topic of debate was. Uzo*'s marriage will be 30 years in December and Dupe* has being juggling all the balls for 13 years. Mo* and I have being married for 5 years. And from all that i gathered we all had issues, insecurities, and a desire for more.We also wanted to know if a woman can have it all. Uzo who has being at it for longer is more cynical. She is of the opinion that you cannot change a man and all you need to do is accept him the way he is and love him for who he is. Let me quote her, ' all those women you see are they really married? Most of them are just co habiting' that was her response to the women who appear to have it all. Dupe told a story of a classmate of hers who made a First Class Distinction about 20 years ago and whose husband says she couldn't go for a Masters Degree, let alone work. Bear in mind that women are about 48% of our population o. Isn't it foolish to make this percentage redundant like some would like?Dupe's is very unhappy and bitter but her children tell her not to worry they will make her proud by aspiring for all she wanted and more. African women just know how to take it in their strides and keep up appearances.Mo talked about a friend's mum who went back to school in her 40s and who is a Professor now.She married a man 20 year older than her. At the time he was busy building his career she was home having children. Now is old with Prostrate issues she is going after her dreams. ( that is almost funny) I know so many old miserable men with wives all over the world pursuing a careers in old age or taking care of their grandchildren while Baba has Okon the cook to keep him company. We went on and on and we didn't agree on anything but the fact that we all love our men. This Love they say is the reason we forgive and look the other way even when we know we deserve better. This love is why we are most times willing to help nurture and fulfill his dreams and aspiration when he doesn't even have a clue what your best food is or what shoe size you wear or understand why you so want to get another degree.This Love is why we get knocked up and start having children and put our careers on hold when he goes abroad for an MBA ( women have done that since forever and some are still doing it in the 21st century) even when our fathers are disappointed wondering what bug bit his daughter. This love is why you face VI traffic everyday, get home tired but still get into the kitchen to cook for him but he comes home and all he notices is that you smell of egusi.

The conversation was cut short when I had to go and attend to some issues and as I was going back to my desk a senior colleague from the office next door asked if I was free to attend an event with her.I accepted even though in my head I was wondering what did I just get myself into. I have a 1,001 chores to do and 1,002 people to see. But little did i know that I had an appointment with destiny ,luck whatever you might call it.My appointment was Ibukun Awosika even though i have know her for about 4 plus years now she was saying something I needed to hear. I was at the event for about 15 mins but it was worth every second. She talked to me directly and I'm glad I listened.

I know now without a D.O.U.B.T in my mind that a woman can have it all. Nobody said it will be easy but yes it is achievable. She is an example that you can do it all. I'm not going to settle for less. I'm NOT giving up on my Oyo man he will read and comprehend that which is written on the wall. Maybe he needs a dictionary or a thesaurus or a language instructor but he will read and understand. And at the end of the day it will be worth all the sacrifices and the 'scars' in my heart will all be part of the success story.

19 comments:

Vickii said...

Good luck! I have my own waiting for me in the future, I'll need all the advice and help I can get.

Awoof said...

Interesting post!! Being a young Nigerian woman with dreams of building a sucessful business and family, this is one subject that that been on my mind for a while. One which I am almost afraid to think of.

Our breed of men sometimes get insecure and perceive a woman chasing her dreams as a threat to their "shine". In the real world, especially with the way our country is, any wise person would know that no job is guaranteed 0 not even if you own it. Therefore any man who has a woman who is willing to contribute to the bacon, should consider himself a very lucky and priviledged man!

I love your blog, girl! I'm adding you to my blogroll :-)

Nonesuch said...

@Vickii dont worry about the future concentate on today and believe me tomorrow will be ok.

@Awoof you are so right my sista. I'm so positive and i believe with time things will change but before then i'm going ahead and I'm having it all. Thanks for adding me to your blog roll.

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

A woman can have it all.
You decide that you deserve to and you work to have it.
Anyone who does not value your ability to be all you can be has no respect for you or your abilities.
Any man that cannot understand that his job as a husband is to help you be the best of yourself as you are prepared to help him be the best he can be is not worth his name....

BiMbyLaDs** said...

wow! eye opener- im newly married !! great post.. i know we can have it all.. by Gods grace that is.. and im going to work on it all.. to have a balance in all.. so will u my dear, so wILL YOU!! lol

Nonesuch said...

@ catwalq. yes o we can have it all and thank God for supportive spouses.

@ Bimbylads Congrats on the wedding. How is chinese eyes? dont worry you have all it takes to have it all.

For the love of me said...

Nice post, written straight from the heart. Yes women can have it all, I am having it all, I think, My igwe is so supportive but it took a lot of work for both of us to get here, so you cant give up on the Oyo man, one day he will know your thoughts even before you speak, all the best.

laspapi said...

On behalf of the family of man (and other animals), I apologise. Men have their own stories to tell though. Often they give up speed, agility and all the things they can do if alone when they get, ahem, shackled.

princesa said...

The problems will always come up in marriage dear but with love and God you shall both surmount them all!

And i agree, you can have it all!

Nonesuch said...

@ For the Love of me. I'm so ready for the hardwork and the scarifices my dear as long as we get to our El Doraldo. Please update your blog. All the best with the new phase of your life.

@ Laspapi You need to expantiate o are you saying women slow down once married? We do actually cos other things take the front burner like diapers and making sure the home is home and not just a house but then you should explain yourself Broda. Apology accepted by the way.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Why have I been away from your blog for so long? Happy belated bday to Senior Boy, oh!

As to this post. I like to think that we can have it all. A great marriage, a great career and wonderful children. We just have to work very hard at it. And, we have to depend on our partners to achieve it. You can do it, my sista!

Nonesuch said...

@ Princesa yes o but in all things we are victors.

@Solomonsydelle thanks for the birthday wish. Yes o we can have it all and we will have it all. Looking forward to the toast 50 years from now when we look back and say Ebenezer...thus far the Lord has brought us.

cinnamonqueen said...

You go girl; with determination and drive, any woman can have it all...

Nyemoni said...

Ouch! I thought I posted a comment here a looooooooooong time ago? na wah o!....."This Love is why we get knocked up and start having children and put our careers on hold when he goes abroad for an MBA " My dear you weren't by any chance talking about me, were you? ;-) Phew! Lifestyles of the women...I feel you my dear and I too believe you can have it all! Good luck and keep your head up!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Aunty nonesuch...update now!

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

where is the update?

Nonesuch said...

@ Cinnamonqueen Yes o I agree with you.

@ Nyemoni I wasnt talking about you o.lol. Dont we all have the same story to tell. It is well.

@ Solomonsydelle Aunt ke?! I beg o dont age me before my time. I will update today unfailingly.

@catwalq It's coming to a 'cinema near you SOON!!!

LASGIDI/ NY said...

Gosh reading ur blog just made me feel a whole lot better. I am not married but this matter has been on my mind for a while now. Thanks for the insight.

Nonesuch said...

@Lasgidi/ny i'm glad my words are reassuring. Its not that bad really and believe me WE have wat it takes to have it all. All the best.