Can a Woman have it all....?

I woke up this morning angry,( I went to bed angry by the way). My anger was fuelled by the fact that the singular most important man in my life( there are many important men in my life) could just not read the handwriting on the wall.The details of which are irrelevant to this post. I make it a point to strike when the iron is hot cos by nature once that moment is lost and I'm no longer fuming it is gone. I can not hold malice or bear a grudge; ask me a week or a couple of hours after the occurrence and i might not be able to tell what it was that set me off even when I'm hurting badly ( but I'm becoming a a fast learner which is bad).
I said my piece in anger and stormed out of the room to carry on with other chores.

As I rode to work all I could think of how 'marginalised' i felt and at what point will enough be enough especially when the other person doesn't seem to take you seriously. I thought of all the married women I knew my mother inclusive and all the 'issues' they all seem to have. I also reflected on the ones in public life, the Okonjo Iweala, Dora Nafadac, Oby etc etc etc and wondered what 'breed' their men were. What issues do they have to grapple with? Are they really happy or is it all a facade? Do they really have it all? By that I mean, successful marriage, careers and good children? Cos for me success in one and not the other isn't it. You have to have it all. i dont agree with that saying that as a woman you have to make a choice career or marriage. That all bullsht. I also don't agree a woman who can be working and making a difference or be an employer of labour should just stay home and take care of the children even though I agree its a lot of hard work.I asked myself, Can a woman have it all? Can Nonesuch have it all?

I got to the office and met a few of my colleagues ( all women ) having a chat. We were all married and I don't need to tell you what the hot topic of debate was. Uzo*'s marriage will be 30 years in December and Dupe* has being juggling all the balls for 13 years. Mo* and I have being married for 5 years. And from all that i gathered we all had issues, insecurities, and a desire for more.We also wanted to know if a woman can have it all. Uzo who has being at it for longer is more cynical. She is of the opinion that you cannot change a man and all you need to do is accept him the way he is and love him for who he is. Let me quote her, ' all those women you see are they really married? Most of them are just co habiting' that was her response to the women who appear to have it all. Dupe told a story of a classmate of hers who made a First Class Distinction about 20 years ago and whose husband says she couldn't go for a Masters Degree, let alone work. Bear in mind that women are about 48% of our population o. Isn't it foolish to make this percentage redundant like some would like?Dupe's is very unhappy and bitter but her children tell her not to worry they will make her proud by aspiring for all she wanted and more. African women just know how to take it in their strides and keep up appearances.Mo talked about a friend's mum who went back to school in her 40s and who is a Professor now.She married a man 20 year older than her. At the time he was busy building his career she was home having children. Now is old with Prostrate issues she is going after her dreams. ( that is almost funny) I know so many old miserable men with wives all over the world pursuing a careers in old age or taking care of their grandchildren while Baba has Okon the cook to keep him company. We went on and on and we didn't agree on anything but the fact that we all love our men. This Love they say is the reason we forgive and look the other way even when we know we deserve better. This love is why we are most times willing to help nurture and fulfill his dreams and aspiration when he doesn't even have a clue what your best food is or what shoe size you wear or understand why you so want to get another degree.This Love is why we get knocked up and start having children and put our careers on hold when he goes abroad for an MBA ( women have done that since forever and some are still doing it in the 21st century) even when our fathers are disappointed wondering what bug bit his daughter. This love is why you face VI traffic everyday, get home tired but still get into the kitchen to cook for him but he comes home and all he notices is that you smell of egusi.

The conversation was cut short when I had to go and attend to some issues and as I was going back to my desk a senior colleague from the office next door asked if I was free to attend an event with her.I accepted even though in my head I was wondering what did I just get myself into. I have a 1,001 chores to do and 1,002 people to see. But little did i know that I had an appointment with destiny ,luck whatever you might call it.My appointment was Ibukun Awosika even though i have know her for about 4 plus years now she was saying something I needed to hear. I was at the event for about 15 mins but it was worth every second. She talked to me directly and I'm glad I listened.

I know now without a D.O.U.B.T in my mind that a woman can have it all. Nobody said it will be easy but yes it is achievable. She is an example that you can do it all. I'm not going to settle for less. I'm NOT giving up on my Oyo man he will read and comprehend that which is written on the wall. Maybe he needs a dictionary or a thesaurus or a language instructor but he will read and understand. And at the end of the day it will be worth all the sacrifices and the 'scars' in my heart will all be part of the success story.

Update and What's a Mum to do ?

Senior Boy was 4 on Saturday and he asked for a Bicycle in a roundabout way. He asked, Mummy can you buy a bicycle? Like he will ask if I could jump or something. If my answer was Yes I can then He would have asked me to buy one to prove that I could indeed buy a Bicycle.I wonder whose side of the family he got that from. Anyways I was going to bite the bait. I answered No and that ended the conversation.

His Dad however without talking to me about it bought 2 shiny bicycles for the boys on Saturday. I wasn't even home when the bicycles arrived so imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw Senior Boy peddling away and Old man trying to get an hang of peddling. I glad Senior Boy got his birthday wish but which one is Old man's own? But if we wanted Senior Boy to enjoy his bike and we don't want a War to start in the house Old man had to get a bike. He is that bad and yes we need to deal with it. Sharing is still very alien to his vocabulary. Daddy is their number one hero now cos he got them the Bikes when Mummy said no. I'm jealous of the boys cos all they need to do is ask and they receive. I have to do more than drop hints atimes and I still get nothing.

Senior Boy is back in school and I think i have a crisis in my hands. All he wants to do after school is watch cartoon all evening. Bed time is messy affair with tears and fake ailments suddenly striking him and all sorts of drama. It was so bad yesternite that I had to withdraw watching TV during school nights.( i just turned into my Mum) No more TV during school night. He is allowed to play outside and ride his bike on the' concrete garden'( what do u call ur backyard that is all cemented and has little shrubs growing from pots?) but bed time is still 7.30pm so he has 15 mins for his tears and drama and he can finally be asleep at 8.00pm. We didn't have issues about going to bed before the holidays and I guess as he grows older and becomes more vocal he is beginning to question me and I really must not lose grounds. The battle ahead is for the strong men.

Old man is still very cooperative and understands and follows the simple of instruction of time to kiss Mummy Goodnight and go to bed. I 'm dreading the days when he will begin to question his bedtimes but before then I need to get it right with Senior Boy. Like they say if the 1st is on the right path it easier to get the rest of the crew on that same path.

We talked about it last night and Senior Boy know no more Ben 10, Kim Possible, Samuri Jack,Kids Next Door, Robot Boy and American Dragon on a school night. Weekends I also intend to restrict. What activities ( that does not involve me commuting to and from Lagos traffic) can u get a 4 year old engaged with aside school lessons? Any ideas?

Happy Birthday My Darling

My baby is FOUR years old today and I'm on top of the world. Senior boy is my 1st child and 1st son and cos of my position in the extended family he is the 1st Great Grandchild of the Patriarchs and Matriarchs. My maternal Grandmother who raised me ( yes o I be village chick) died a couple of days after I found out I was pregnant.I cried more from the thot that she will never get to hold my child after all her prayers were answered NONE of us will have to deal with infertility.( story for another day)

The pregnancy was pure bliss and everybody was carrying the baby with me. My Dad almost became a permanent fixture in our house.Showing up in Lagos at the drop of a hat and reporting back to my Mum every thing he noticed. She is not gaining weight , the tummy isn't big,she is overworking herself, her feet seem swollen, she should be due by now. The craziness went on and on and believe it they were with DH on the phone all through the delivery. Senior Boy gave his grand entrance at 3.25am turned my life around. I have experienced all extremes of emotions in the past 4 years. Love unstoppable, Fear indescribable,Joy Unfounded,and the pain and the tears but through it all I couldn't have asked for a better you. You are just right for me.

The tribe celebrated his birth is so many ways. My parents had a party even before the naming. The Patriarch sent 40 tubers of yam from 3 states away for the Naming. DH was embarrassed by the way my folks took over the whole show. I'm sure he is used to our Drama and execessiveness now after 5 years and 2 namings.

Right from then I knew without a doubt that you are destined from GREATNESS. You brought with you immerse goodwill and favour for the family. You are loved and adored by many. You have growth is amazing your vocabulary is rather colourful. Your love for music is inspiring and the way you love me is like no one else.You talk so much its irritating but who is complaining I haven't stopped talking too.

Even though these are still the early days I 'm proud of your achievements. I remember the 1st time you counted to 10. Now you can do much more than that. You are so bright and excited about learning I'm comforted that all the sacrifices is worth it. You are a natural leader and you love your brother even when Old man makes it hard for you to love him.( Like when he wants to play with your toys or when I insist you let him have the toys so he doesn't have a fit) I remember you asking me is everything for Old man now? Are you asking me to give him so he wont cry? You will fight for him and you defend him fiercely even when he has made you cry.

My son, my heir I'm proud of you . I thank God for your life. I ask the most Benevolent to give me all I need to raise you to be the man you have being created to be. Love you my Senior Boy. i don't know it all and believe me I wish there was a Manual but I'm willing to learn and hope that I don't make so many mistakes. I hope you never have any doubts about my love and devotion to you.I'm so looking forward to the teenage years with fear and trembling.

Happy Birthday my boy and Yes I can buy a bicycle but I wont.

AntiClimax

'Never ever write a letter (in this case a post) whenever you are angry , sad, happy, or in love.' wise words from Abuja Walkabout.

So I'm not going to write about what happened yesterday.

Its enough to say it was an anticlimax.

5 years and Counting

Today its 5 years that I said, I do. I remember how we meet and the whirlwind romance.I remember asking you that morning minutes before we walked into the Registry if you were sure you wanted to go ahead with the wedding. It is a big bold decision I said and I will understand if you if we should wait awhile.You assured me I need not fear, that I was more than enough for you. You couldn't have made a better choice you said.

I wanted a small quite wedding with just a couple of witnesses from both sides. I remember you were so not convinced that we were going to get our wish. My Aunt had an ace up her sleeve. How could I be getting married without a reception,cakes and dancing. One after the other her friends and family showed up at the Registry is Purple gele. After the vows were said she announced that was going to be a reception at the Restaurant near by. We were shocked beyond words and could not comprehend what part of small and quite my folks didn't understand. The reception was grand and there was Cake and dancing and my Flo J's Hubby (then Boyfriend) recited a beautiful poem in our honor.

We couldn't have asked for a better wedding day.

Five years and 2 boys after I thank God I made the choice to marry you. This is not to say we don't have our drama. ( we have enough to last 2 lifetimes) But through it all your Love and Respect has never being in question. ( OK may be a couple of times) You have supported and helped nurture my hopes and my dreams. (even if i dont acknowledge your contributions loud enough) You have being a stabilising factor to my hot head. You love me unconditionally and most importantly you hold no grudge.Even when the 'storms' of live come raging , threatening to consume us, I never lost faith in your God given ability to get us to the promise land.
We are not at the destination yet but I know we will get there. (Though battered and bruised yet never giving up knowing all that we experience are together making us better)

For the gift of loving me unconditionally I say thank you. For the Boys( Senior Boy and Old Man) who make my life complete and makes all the sacrifices worthwhile I will forever be grateful. For the insight you give to my worrying heart and the words you use to express my unfounded fears. For cheering me on in the race of life and helping me build 'this house' brick after brick.For constantly telling me what will worrying do?, whats the worse that can happen?, why do you like chasing shadows, why must you always have a Plan ? I wish to hate you.
For loving the Boys more than me ,I'm' jealous'.For loving your Mum the way you do, I reassured. For letting me make my own mistakes and not saying I told you so ,I'm glad( cos I cant resist gloating) For not being the R in Romance and not making an effort most time I want to scream URRRGHHH!!!!!

Even as we look forward to the next 5 years I wish above all things that it will be well with you. That you will make more efforts on the little things that count. That you will reach out for more because you have all you need to live a life of SIGNIFICANCE cos that what really matters.I wish that you will listen to me more and realise that 'I'm always right'. That you will fulfill purpose. That you will be willing to hear me talk even if you just want to roll over and sleep. More than anything else that we will be united in discipline when the boys are concerned and that you will stay and help me nurture and watch them grow.

Happy 5th Wedding Anniversary.

Question Meme

I copied this from Princesa's blog and the questions got me thinking. Lets go

1. I am..... a goal getter
   
2. My ex boyfriend was....' too good to be true'
3. Maybe I should......have another baby
4. I love.... food, books and TV
5. I don't understand..... homosexuality, suicide ,terrorism
6. I lost my....innocence. ( don't trust anybody)
   
7. My current boyfriend is......my husband
8. People say I'm .... s strong woman
   
9. Love is .....selfless and unconditional
   
10. Somewhere, someone is.... making a difference
11. I will always ....love food
12. Forever is .....scary
13. I never want to ..... be unable to figure a way out
14. I think the current President is .... just there( I still cant figure him out)
15. When I wake up in the morning ....I want to go right back to sleep
16. Life is full of....uncertainties
17. My past is ......a closed book
18. I get annoyed when.... people don't take me seriously
    
19. Parties are for...eating and meeting people
20. Girls are.... the best
    
21. Sex is..... 'life changing' and loads of responsibilities ( though over rated)
22. I wish... I didn't have to worry about money
23. Tomorrow I'm going to .....drag DH school shopping
24. I really want some .... more money
25. I have no tolerance for people who ......are lazy, self absorbed and who don't listen
26. I am not ..... petty
27. If I had a million dollars.....I would buy a patent off an inventor and hire a financial consultant so I don't ever go broke
28. My job makes me....wish for more and wonder how can I make a difference?
    

Ilorin Afonja !!

I was born in Lagos but I grew up in Ilorin. I love that town. I was there again several weekends ago and I fell in love with it all over again. Ilorin is the capital of Kwara State for those who don't know.The people are mostly Yoruba who can trace their roots to Oyo Alafin. We also have the Fulanis who are direct descendants of the Uthman Dan Fodio I guess. There was a War several centuries ago and somehow the Gambaris became the Ruling class and till date we have Emirs in Ilorin as against Oba in most Yoruba speaking town in the South West of Nigeria. The Gambaris are still the Royal Family. We large family. I remember Zulait Gambari from Primary school. I wonder where she is now?!

I love Ilorin for so many reasons. Let me count the ways ( that sounds like one of those cards my Aunt used to get from her husband (then boyfriend) some 15 years ago. That guy was the R in Romantic.

• Life in Ilorin is very peaceful. Despite the fact that over 90% of the indigene are Muslims there has being very very few religious schisms in Ilorin.
• The people are very accommodating. More than 80% of the work force in most parastal and business are non indigenes (Kogi, and other States) esp in the University though this is beginning to change. More and more Ilorin are now in the elms of affairs.
• There are very good schools in Ilorin USS , The adorable,FGC Ilorin, Adesoye College in neighbouring Offa to mention just a few. The old students are all over the world making waves. Stand up to be counted.
• The University of Ilorin is one of the best 2nd generation Universities in Nigeria at the moment. The community is a very vibrant one and there was a time the MBA was hot cake. MBA from Unilorin was like LBS then. Work in progress to revamp its old glory.
  
• There are 2 major roads in the town IBRAHIM TAIWO and MURITALA MUHAMMED Roads. Once you enter town through Gari Alimi you join upper end of Taiwo Road all the way to the Lower end which links you to Emir's road or the Station(The Railway Station in the good old days) while Station burst out to Muritala Muhammed Road. Unity Road now Wahab Folawiyo Road links Taiwo Road with Muritala Muhammed road. Its so funny. you can link everywhere once you are on either of this roads. So u can ever get lost.
• Ilorin is very clean and tidy. There are no litter on the road. Little or no Pollution apart from Asa Dam area where we have the Industrial areas.
• Food is relatively cheap and affordable.When I'm in town I go on a shopping spree my Mum can't stop wondering.
• There is no traffic in Ilorin
• Ilorin is a safe and nice place to raise children.Morals are still very high and the it takes a village to raise a child is still very real there
• They have a 'good' University Teaching Hospital with one of the best pool of Naija's medical professionals. I will still go there to see my dentist Dr Parakoyi (where in the world is Ajibola Parakoyi? I know Martin is a Doctor in UITH)
• There is a' good' bookshop in Ilorin Lara Bookshop has being around forever and Challenge Bookshop also has a good mix.
• There is this local food joint on the Mini Campus of Unilorin OPC that has the best Tuwo Shinkafa and nice curly black ponmo soaked in stew.... you should try it
• We now have 3 Mr Biggs outlet in Ilorin which is Mega if you ask me before we had Friends, Peacocks( they still have the best Meat pie in the world if you ask me) Royals, Rushmeals etc
• We have nice hair salons and good hair stylist that can give Bobby Eke a run for his money. Robert of Funbert and the girls at JMK are just superb
• Ilorin has an International Airport. I remember flying from Ilorin to connect flight in Lagos to London and back when I was younger. Pilgrims are still being air lifted there every year
• Ilorin Lawyers are sound and hawt. Laolu Alli SAN, Wole Olanipekun SAN, Bayo Ojo SAN, Awomolo SAN,and those on the Bench are smoking Isa Ayo Salami, Sade Ojo, Fabiyi Oyeyipo etc etc
• Ilorin Township Stadium is beautiful. We have an Olympic size swimming pool.Remember The Akinremi gals, Bisi Afolabi?
• Growing up in Ilorin was so much fun and i cherish the memories

Even though I'm not from Ilorin, I feel every bit like an indigene and I'm proud to from Ilorin Afonja and yes 'mouth' is sure sweeter than honey.