Sibling Rivalry

My family isn't a very large one. I'm the eldset of 4. I have a sista and 2 brodas. We all love each. We are all unique but there is a common thread that runs in the weave of all of us. We say it as we see it. We are all very stubborn and we all have a very good sense of humour. We also always support each other. Our spouses try not to get involved in our 'fights' cos they all tend to end like it started. The few minutes of anger has so much fury that an outsider would be shocked and marvel at the intensity. Those moments are the opportunities you have to say it as you really feel.

Our parents have always allowed us to speak freely. The Freedom of Speech has always being in use in our home. If you don't one the other person to know what you think just keep quite. If you say anything to my Mum in confidence just know that my Dad will hear and my Sista across the Atlantic will also hear and then they will all had their thoughts and opinions. The revamped version will get back to you either by Yahoo IM or by text message or a phone chat.We are all in each others business.

My post is not about rivalry amongst the four of us but I needed to lay that foundation. This is not to say we don't have our 'fights' and 'arguments' about the most mundae of issues to the more serious ones like who is favoured most by our parents and who seems to have it easy and who is just not doing what they ought to be doing. These hopefully will be subjects of subsequent post in the not to near future.

Our extended family is also a very close knit one. The fact that my Dad is an only child of his Mama does not mean we don't have Uncles and Aunties and all manners of relationship with people that the EnglishLanguage has no word to define. My Mother also comes from a strong family of women who have married mostly within the clan and so our relations span across the length and breath of three or more communities, 2 LGA and 2 States.

My mum called me yesterday to say One of my Uncles lets call him Fineboy ( he is a fine boy by the way) called her at the crack of dawn saying his wife Aunt Virtuous Woman( She is a very good wife and mother) will be arriving in a couple of days . The issue however is he thinks she might be coming to end the Marriage. Now that is strange because I know the 2 of them are completed devoted to each other and they have 2 sons. Uncle Fineboy moved back to Naija full time about a 18 months ago. He is doing quite well and plan have already being set in motion for Aunt VW to relocate back too. The truth is Uncle Fineboy spends more time in UK than in Naija. He has one of his older brothers managing the business and he comes in and out for extended visits to see how things are going and all.

The gist is Uncle Fineboy's younger sista Playerhater ( I cant think of a more appropriate name) told Aunt VW that Uncle Fineboy has being philandering ever since he touched down in Naija. She paints a picture of a man with a mission to sow as much wild oats as can cover the fields of Lagos if Lagos was a big farm land. The irony is Playerhater is not in Naija. I wonder who and how she gets her information. Aunt VW seems to believe her and is really very upset. Initially i wondered why will she believe Playerhater who is not in Naija? But then Playerhater is his Sister. Why will she be lying?

What bugs me is even if its true i.e Fineboy is hoping around like a bee in a field of lilies should the Sister be the bearer of such news. If she was really concerned about her brother and all is this the best approach? What will be her 'joy' or great achievement if Aunt VW sues for big D on grounds of .... and there is a dissolution of the marriage How does she explain to her nephews I fueled the breakup of your parents. I just don't get it. Is she just a meddlesome interloper, a jealous siblings or a plain old fool who doesn't think before she speaks or acts.

The good news however is all the forces are at work to mediate between the couple and iron out the creases. I pray the both look deep inside them and focus on the good they have together. Uncle Fineboy should also work hard at reassuring Aunt VW so she is not easily swanned by these kinds of talk in the future. I know its hard especially when its the Sista feeding you with information .

I try to imagine what we would do if it was one of my siblings. If one of my broda was Uncle Fineboy and was alleged to be philandering. The spouse will the last to hear and he would really be in for I can just imagine the calls and the arguments and the fights that will go on. I don't think the any of my siblings will talk to the spouse first without having tried to sort out the issue amongst ourselves 1st. That I think is a better approach.

My Mum nicely summed it up with a Yoruba proverbs. Eyin kule lota wa, ile na seni gbe (Loosely translated to mean: The enemy is within)

What do you guys think of Playerhater?

Can a Woman have it all....?

I woke up this morning angry,( I went to bed angry by the way). My anger was fuelled by the fact that the singular most important man in my life( there are many important men in my life) could just not read the handwriting on the wall.The details of which are irrelevant to this post. I make it a point to strike when the iron is hot cos by nature once that moment is lost and I'm no longer fuming it is gone. I can not hold malice or bear a grudge; ask me a week or a couple of hours after the occurrence and i might not be able to tell what it was that set me off even when I'm hurting badly ( but I'm becoming a a fast learner which is bad).
I said my piece in anger and stormed out of the room to carry on with other chores.

As I rode to work all I could think of how 'marginalised' i felt and at what point will enough be enough especially when the other person doesn't seem to take you seriously. I thought of all the married women I knew my mother inclusive and all the 'issues' they all seem to have. I also reflected on the ones in public life, the Okonjo Iweala, Dora Nafadac, Oby etc etc etc and wondered what 'breed' their men were. What issues do they have to grapple with? Are they really happy or is it all a facade? Do they really have it all? By that I mean, successful marriage, careers and good children? Cos for me success in one and not the other isn't it. You have to have it all. i dont agree with that saying that as a woman you have to make a choice career or marriage. That all bullsht. I also don't agree a woman who can be working and making a difference or be an employer of labour should just stay home and take care of the children even though I agree its a lot of hard work.I asked myself, Can a woman have it all? Can Nonesuch have it all?

I got to the office and met a few of my colleagues ( all women ) having a chat. We were all married and I don't need to tell you what the hot topic of debate was. Uzo*'s marriage will be 30 years in December and Dupe* has being juggling all the balls for 13 years. Mo* and I have being married for 5 years. And from all that i gathered we all had issues, insecurities, and a desire for more.We also wanted to know if a woman can have it all. Uzo who has being at it for longer is more cynical. She is of the opinion that you cannot change a man and all you need to do is accept him the way he is and love him for who he is. Let me quote her, ' all those women you see are they really married? Most of them are just co habiting' that was her response to the women who appear to have it all. Dupe told a story of a classmate of hers who made a First Class Distinction about 20 years ago and whose husband says she couldn't go for a Masters Degree, let alone work. Bear in mind that women are about 48% of our population o. Isn't it foolish to make this percentage redundant like some would like?Dupe's is very unhappy and bitter but her children tell her not to worry they will make her proud by aspiring for all she wanted and more. African women just know how to take it in their strides and keep up appearances.Mo talked about a friend's mum who went back to school in her 40s and who is a Professor now.She married a man 20 year older than her. At the time he was busy building his career she was home having children. Now is old with Prostrate issues she is going after her dreams. ( that is almost funny) I know so many old miserable men with wives all over the world pursuing a careers in old age or taking care of their grandchildren while Baba has Okon the cook to keep him company. We went on and on and we didn't agree on anything but the fact that we all love our men. This Love they say is the reason we forgive and look the other way even when we know we deserve better. This love is why we are most times willing to help nurture and fulfill his dreams and aspiration when he doesn't even have a clue what your best food is or what shoe size you wear or understand why you so want to get another degree.This Love is why we get knocked up and start having children and put our careers on hold when he goes abroad for an MBA ( women have done that since forever and some are still doing it in the 21st century) even when our fathers are disappointed wondering what bug bit his daughter. This love is why you face VI traffic everyday, get home tired but still get into the kitchen to cook for him but he comes home and all he notices is that you smell of egusi.

The conversation was cut short when I had to go and attend to some issues and as I was going back to my desk a senior colleague from the office next door asked if I was free to attend an event with her.I accepted even though in my head I was wondering what did I just get myself into. I have a 1,001 chores to do and 1,002 people to see. But little did i know that I had an appointment with destiny ,luck whatever you might call it.My appointment was Ibukun Awosika even though i have know her for about 4 plus years now she was saying something I needed to hear. I was at the event for about 15 mins but it was worth every second. She talked to me directly and I'm glad I listened.

I know now without a D.O.U.B.T in my mind that a woman can have it all. Nobody said it will be easy but yes it is achievable. She is an example that you can do it all. I'm not going to settle for less. I'm NOT giving up on my Oyo man he will read and comprehend that which is written on the wall. Maybe he needs a dictionary or a thesaurus or a language instructor but he will read and understand. And at the end of the day it will be worth all the sacrifices and the 'scars' in my heart will all be part of the success story.